This is Janey, me, and Lindi years ago being ridiculous and having fun in that comfortable way you can only do with best friends.
And here we are last week, eating cotton candy outside of Golden Corral (who knew they had cotton candy?!) after going to Janey's dress fitting. There's definitely still some ridiculousness there, even though years have gone by and many changes have molded and reshaped us.
But this cord of three strands is not easily broken.
While driving home from Janey's rehearsal dinner tonight, with my faithful husband and two boys in tow, I was overcome with gratitude for God's goodness in our marriage and began praying that Janey and Chris will have a good, solid marriage like the one I have known.
So I thought I would share what I think makes our marriage work:
1. Wives, build up your husbands.
So many of my friends belittle their husbands, whether those men are within earshot or not, but our job as wives is to be encouragers, fans, and refuges to our husbands.
It's not always easy. What's easy is being swept up in a conversation amongst women who are listing their husbands' faults and feeding off each other's emotional energy. It's not easy to be the one in the group who says, "Shawn is really a wonderful husband. I'm so thankful for him" when everyone else is complaining about everything under the sun.
But I do it. Mostly because it's true. Partly because he and I agreed before we got married that we would never speak ill of one another in front of others.
And you know what? It changes how I view him. AND it changes how HE responds to me. With gentleness. With love.
2. Second, but very closely related, is RESPECT.
The Bible calls wives to respect their husbands, and here's the reason why: Men interpret respect as love. There is nothing more pleasing to a man than a woman saying, "I respect your decision." But you really don't have to say it; showing it is what really counts.
When we have tough decisions to make, Shawn and I talk about them, but ultimately, he is the leader in our home and he has the final say. I wholeheartedly trust the decision he makes because I know that he has our family's best interest at heart. Also, he is SO much more level headed than I and has much greater foresight. :)
3. Never, EVER say the "D" word!
No, I'm not talking about the one that goes with hellfire and brimstone, though I wouldn't recommend cussing as a means of communication (see numbers 1 and 2). I'm talking about "divorce."
The best piece of advice I ever got was from an elderly woman who came into the newly marrieds' Sunday School class and told us this: "Never even bring up the word. Because once you do, your whole marriage has been undermined. It's no longer a safe and stable place. Go into every fight, every issue and life change with the knowledge that you will work through it as a couple...that divorce just isn't an option."
I've watched friends and family members battle with this, and it's true: as soon as that word slips out, the marriage starts to disintegrate. It's just best to avoid it unless you really mean it.
4. Serve each other.
This is not easy. It does not always come to me naturally. But to be honest, none of this comes to me naturally. It's something I work on every minute of every day.
But I know that "love" is not always this ooey-gooey-gushy feeling. That's just lust, and yes, sometimes I do still get that fluttering in my stomach when I look at my husband. But sometimes I look at him and think, "You are driving me insane!!!" (Don't worry. He looks at me that way too sometimes.)
It's hard to overcome that state of mind (and, come on, we all give in to it!), but acts of service really work for me. If I can serve someone, I can humble myself and change my attitude.
So, on a daily basis, I cook our meals and pack Shawn a lunch for work the next day. The boys and I regularly bring treats to his office, showing not only him, but his co-workers too how much we love him. I do his laundry...have I mentioned I'm a stay-at-home mom? When I wasn't, these things just weren't always possible! Shawn's co-workers CONSTANTLY comment about the fact that I cook most nights and pack him a lunch. They would love this level of service from their wives, but so many are not willing to humble themselves and be the first to serve.
And you know what? In turn, Shawn serves me too. He rubs my back, will spontaneously clean the kitchen, and read to me in bed.
5. Don't be fooled that nothing bad could ever happen in your marriage.
Too many people have this fairly-tale view of marriage: my husband would never cheat on me, my wife would never lie to me, my spouse would never fall out of love with me.
The truth is, Shawn and I don't know what tomorrow brings. We, however, choose to guard our marriage from these things. We talk regularly about our marriage and what we are doing well...and what needs tweaking. But we are realistic. We know bad things can happen.
When we had only 9 months of marriage under our belt, my dad died. Very suddenly. And it was tragic. I went out of my mind with grief. Truly. I was not really "in" myself. This will probably only make sense to those of you who have experienced this. :) Shawn later told me that it was like being married to a stranger and that he was scared I would never be the woman he married again. But he didn't leave. Didn't turn his back. He stuck with me and guided me to the help I so desperately needed.
So we strive to protect our marriage from them instead of sitting back and allowing it to be attacked.
Don't get the idea that our lives or our marriage is perfect. We are very imperfect people, and our marriage, like everyone else's, has bumps and flaws and bruises. And we will make SO many more of them in the future. But we are getting better at these things every day. It's not a perfect road, that's for sure.
But these ARE things that make our marriage stand out. These are the things that cause people to comment to us or our family or friends that we have a unique, strong, loving marriage.
And my prayer as I sit here and type is for my dear, dear friend Janey: that her marriage is God-centered. That her marriage is strong. That her marriage is loving and enduring. And I will continue to pray for them, long after first fights are barttled, babies are born, diplomas and empty nests are hanging in the wings, and until the day we are praising the Lord together in His heavens.
No comments:
Post a Comment