Thoughts on Marriage

One of my best, best friends, Janey, is getting married tomorrow, and I am beyond thrilled!  Janey, Lindi, and I have been friends since those carefree, yet weighty days of college and have seen each other at our best, our worst, and our ugliest.  And yet, we are still friends.  We still love each other dearly.

This is Janey, me, and Lindi years ago being ridiculous and having fun in that comfortable way you can only do with best friends.

 

And here we are last week, eating cotton candy outside of Golden Corral (who knew they had cotton candy?!) after going to Janey's dress fitting.  There's definitely still some ridiculousness there, even though years have gone by and many changes have molded and reshaped us. 

 

But this cord of three strands is not easily broken.

 

While driving home from Janey's rehearsal dinner tonight, with my faithful husband and two boys in tow, I was overcome with gratitude for God's goodness in our marriage and began praying that Janey and Chris will have a good, solid marriage like the one I have known.

 

So I thought I would share what I think makes our marriage work:

 

1.  Wives, build up your husbands. 

So many of my friends belittle their husbands, whether those men are within earshot or not, but our job as wives is to be encouragers, fans, and refuges to our husbands. 

 

It's not always easy.  What's easy is being swept up in a conversation amongst women who are listing their husbands' faults and feeding off each other's emotional energy.  It's not easy to be the one in the group who says, "Shawn is really a wonderful husband.  I'm so thankful for him" when everyone else is complaining about everything under the sun.

 

But I do it.  Mostly because it's true.  Partly because he and I agreed before we got married that we would never speak ill of one another in front of others. 

 

And you know what?  It changes how I view him.  AND it changes how HE responds to me.  With gentleness.  With love. 

 

2.  Second, but very closely related, is RESPECT. 

 

The Bible calls wives to respect their husbands, and here's the reason why:  Men interpret respect as love.  There is nothing more pleasing to a man than a woman saying, "I respect your decision."  But you really don't have to say it; showing it is what really counts. 

 

When we have tough decisions to make, Shawn and I talk about them, but ultimately, he is the leader in our home and he has the final say.  I wholeheartedly trust the decision he makes because I know that he has our family's best interest at heart.  Also, he is SO much more level headed than I and has much greater foresight.  :)

 

3.  Never, EVER say the "D" word! 

No, I'm not talking about the one that goes with hellfire and brimstone, though I wouldn't recommend cussing as a means of communication (see numbers 1 and 2).  I'm talking about "divorce." 

 

The best piece of advice I ever got was from an elderly woman who came into the newly marrieds' Sunday School class and told us this:  "Never even bring up the word.  Because once you do, your whole marriage has been undermined.  It's no longer a safe and stable place.  Go into every fight, every issue and life change with the knowledge that you will work through it as a couple...that divorce just isn't an option."

 

I've watched friends and family members battle with this, and it's true:  as soon as that word slips out, the marriage starts to disintegrate.  It's just best to avoid it unless you really mean it.

 

4.  Serve each other. 

This is not easy.  It does not always come to me naturally.  But to be honest, none of this comes to me naturally.  It's something I work on every minute of every day. 

 

But I know that "love" is not always this ooey-gooey-gushy feeling.  That's just lust, and yes, sometimes I do still get that fluttering in my stomach when I look at my husband.  But sometimes I look at him and think, "You are driving me insane!!!"  (Don't worry.  He looks at me that way too sometimes.)

 

It's hard to overcome that state of mind (and, come on, we all give in to it!), but acts of service really work for me.  If I can serve someone, I can humble myself and change my attitude.

 

So, on a daily basis, I cook our meals and pack Shawn a lunch for work the next day.  The boys and I regularly bring treats to his office, showing not only him, but his co-workers too how much we love him.  I do his laundry...have I mentioned I'm a stay-at-home mom?  When I wasn't, these things just weren't always possible!  Shawn's co-workers CONSTANTLY comment about the fact that I cook most nights and pack him a lunch.  They would love this level of service from their wives, but so many are not willing to humble themselves and be the first to serve. 

 

And you know what?  In turn, Shawn serves me too.  He rubs my back, will spontaneously clean the kitchen, and read to me in bed. 

 

5.  Don't be fooled that nothing bad could ever happen in your marriage.  

 

Too many people have this fairly-tale view of marriage:  my husband would never cheat on me, my wife would never lie to me, my spouse would never fall out of love with me.

 

The truth is, Shawn and I don't know what tomorrow brings.  We, however, choose to guard our marriage from these things.  We talk regularly about our marriage and what we are doing well...and what needs tweaking.  But we are realistic.  We know bad things can happen. 

 

When we had only 9 months of marriage under our belt, my dad died.  Very suddenly.  And it was tragic.  I went out of my mind with grief.  Truly.  I was not really "in" myself.  This will probably only make sense to those of you who have experienced this.  :)  Shawn later told me that it was like being married to a stranger and that he was scared I would never be the woman he married again.  But he didn't leave.  Didn't turn his back.  He stuck with me and guided me to the help I so desperately needed.

 

 So we strive to protect our marriage from them instead of sitting back and allowing it to be attacked.

 

 

Don't get the idea that our lives or our marriage is perfect.  We are very imperfect people, and our marriage, like everyone else's, has bumps and flaws and bruises.  And we will make SO many more of them in the future.  But we are getting better at these things every day.  It's not a perfect road, that's for sure.

 

But these ARE things that make our marriage stand out.  These are the things that cause people to comment to us or our family or friends that we have a unique, strong, loving marriage. 

 

And my prayer as I sit here and type is for my dear, dear friend Janey:  that her marriage is God-centered.  That her marriage is strong.  That her marriage is loving and enduring.  And I will continue to pray for them, long after first fights are barttled, babies are born, diplomas and empty nests are hanging in the wings, and until the day we are praising the Lord together in His heavens.

 

Taking the "Mas" out of CHRISTmas!

In Spanish, "mas" means more.  That's what Christmas has become: more lights, more decorations, more presents, more food...more stress.

And less Jesus.

It seems like our two main Christian holidays, Christmas, which celebrates the birth of our Savior, and Easter, which celebrates the death and resurrection of our Savior, have been overtaken by very worldly beings:  Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. 

And the message of both of these characters is this:  you need more stuff. 

Yes, I know that Christmas is on December 25th not because that was Jesus' actual birthday, but because it replaced a pagan holiday.  And Santa is the spirit of St. Nicholas, a man who loved to give.

But that doesn't mean we need to celebrate by loading our kids up with more and more THINGS. 

So we're doing Christmas differently.  We're taking out the focus on materialism and "the magic of Christmas," as everyone calls it.  And we're putting in a celebration for a baby born like no other.

It's the very core, the very essence of our lives;  this baby saved our souls, and if we really believe that, then we should celebrate it!

Luke 2:52 has become our Christmas guidepost:  "And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and in favor with man."

We give gifts to each other in these categories:
1.  To help you grow in wisdom (usually a book)
2.  To help you grow in stature (usually clothes)
3.  To help you grow in favor with God (a devotional, etc.)
4.  To help you grow in favor with man (a toy or a tool, etc.)

Here's what Thing One is getting this year:

1.  LeapFrog phonics box   
                 
2.  New blue jeans and a belt

3.  Veggie Tales Devotionals for Boys

4.  A ball pit

It takes a lot more thought...and a lot less shopping!  And a lot less money.  We are not broke when Christmas is over.  We are not making up for Christmas in our budget all year long.

This year, since Thing One is old enough to understand the concept of birthday, we're adding in a Happy Birthday Jesus party and cake. 

Yes, we are doing a Santa gift, and when the boys get old enough, we will explain the story of St. Nicholas.  But they aren't going to sit in Santa's lap or believe in this magical being.

They are going to believe in the True Reason for Christmas!

Under the Table and Screaming

Last night was a night of humiliation.  I call it "The Night of the Toddler."

It was also Thanksgiving supper at church.

Yeah.

Looking back, it's easy to see our mistakes.  Oh so easy and bittersweet...

Our boys were too tired.  We had been in Jackson most of the day, and they had short, short naps.  And they are not short nappers!

AND supper was in the gym.  Our 2 1/2 year old has only ever been in the gym to play.  So maybe telling him, "We're eating in the gym" wasn't so brilliant on my part. 

He's also never had to sit and listen to someone talk before.  Oh, and be quiet.  That concept has not quite entered his brain.

So when the speaker was speaking and singing, Thing One was laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor.  Of the gym.  With everyone staring.  And shooting us DIRTY looks.

I seriously considered sliding down my aluminum chair and crawling under the table.  Especially when Thing Two spit his paci down there and started to wail.  Sigh.

Shawn took Thing One out and had a long talk with him.  Yeah.  Long talks don't work with 2 year olds.  They came back in, and Thing One ran around and around.  I didn't know he laughed that loud until we were in a room full of silent people.  Staring at us.

After the supper was over, I handed off Thing Two to our all-too-willing preacher's wife and scooped up a grumpy yet energetic Thing One.  I explained to him that NOW was the time to play and had him look around at the other kids...running and laughing hysterically WHILE NO ONE WAS SPEAKING.

Then I told him he had to tell the speaker he was sorry for being too loud.  When we got to him, Thing One was so embarrassed.  He wouldn't even speak.  Luckily, the speaker has kids and was very gracious. 

I spent a good portion of the night last night lying in bed and trying to come up with ways to train that boy to sit still and listen.  But in the end, he's 2.  He's not ready for something like that yet.  He can sit for short periods of time...if he's entertained...but I think we just expected too much of him last night.


We certainly learned a HUGE lesson last night...at the expense of our church family.  :(  The fault lies in us, not in Thing One.  Next time, we will know better!

 

 

They are sitll really stinking cute, though!

B is for...

This week was the letter C, but Thing Two has been sick all week, and I'm more than embarrassed to post what we did for the letter C.  Exhaustion does not make for a good tot school experience.

So....here's last week's work:

 

 

These look a little more like banana peppers, but Thing One had fun making them.

 



We made peanut butter and banana pancakes, which were a HUGE hit!

I just made our basic pancake recipe and added a spoonful of peanut butter and some of Thing Two's pureed bananas.  Thing One ate six of them in one sitting.

This one is my favorite.  Thing One was really proud of it too. He likes anything where he sticks his hands or feet in paint, though.

 

When Shawn got home, I told Thing One to show him the picture he had done that day.  He told him about the clouds and sun, but when I pointed to the stickers of the bugs and said, "What's this?", he said, "A sticker."  Close enough.

 

 

 

When he was eating a cup of ABC's 123's, he did say excitedly, "It's an A!"  It's a B!" so maybe it's working!

 





Letting Boys Be Boys

I'll admit it:  I sometimes cringe when my boys get dirty, only because I know I will have to clean them up.

Thing One already has a knack for taking on dirt, as you can see.  Here he is "scrubbing" the back porch with a brush he has dipped in potting soil.  Very helpful. 

And every time we do a tot school project with paint or glue or anything that could possibly messy, a large part of me goes, "No, don't do it!  It's just one more thing you'll have to clean up!"

But I do it anyway, which is how he wound up with a green goatee.  It's adorable, and looks great in pictures, but in real life, I'm chasing him to the tub calling, "Don't touch ANYthing!"

I can handle these things and the extra clean up, because I've learned that Thing One, like most kids, learns on the run.  He has to be doing something in order to be engaged.

But things like this....

 and this...

make me think ER.  Stitches.  Broken bones.  Permanent disfigurement. 

And then I have to grab a metaphorical paper bag and take deep breaths. 

I want to protect my kids.  They are my responsibility, after all.  But I also have to let them learn from experiences.  Thing One climbs everything that is over six inches off the ground.  Thing Two grabs anything nearby, electrical plugs, salt shakers, Thing One's hair, pretty much anything dangerous.

Some days, it feels like all I do is try to avoid major and minor crises.

It makes me think about God and how he watches us along our journey and sees how we are about to stumble.  He could catch us, sure, or send a miracle mattress to soften our fall, but then, what would we learn?  Sometimes God lets us stumble in order to develop our spiritual muscles and wisdom, just like we have to do for our kids.

I threw this in there because it's just too darn cute.  Soon he'll be crawling all over the place.  I just have to keep my perspective...and my SANITY.

Labor Day Weekend Staycation!

We have friends who will literally spend ALL day playing video games.

We don't own any kind of gaming system.   Wait...I think we might have an old Super Nintendo in storage.  Maybe.

One of the older gentlemen at our church once told us, "You make time for the things that are important to you."  We don't want that to be video games.  Or TV.  Or cell phones.

We want it to be our family, so we spent Labor Day at a local state park and had so much fun!

Thing One had a BLAST playing in the splash pad.

 

Thing Two even got in on the action.

 

We had a picnic lunch...

 

 

 

 

Played on the playground...



 

 

And walked around the lake.

 

 

We were all worn out and took LONG naps.  :)  It was a day full of wonderful memories that we made as a family.  I can definitely say it was the best Labor Day ever!



 

 



 

A is for....

This week, we learned the letter A!  Here are our projects:

1.  Introduction to the letter A:

2.  A is for Alligator

These are Thing One's feet dipped in paint, which led to this...

3.  A is for Apple...and Apple Butter!

 

I chopped up 5 lbs. of apples the night before, and Thing One put them spoonful by spoonful into the crockpot.

 

 

He dumped all the spices in, too.

4.  A is for Ants!

This are Thing One's fingerprints.  We looked at a picture of an ant on the Internet first and counted body parts.  Then we counted fingerprints:  one, two, three!  Lots of messy fun!

We're still working on letter recognition, but I think it's a good start.  Next week, the letter B!

Not So Civil Disobedience

Two baby steps forward, three giant steps back.  This is what being a consistent parent feels like to me.  Most of the time.

Thing One has decided to test me during the two hardest times for me to punish him:  when there are people over and when we are in public.

Case One:  My friend R and her son J come over to play.  Thing One goes to time out twice for hitting J.  I make him apologize and hug J, but the play date ends with Thing One going
down for a nap halfway through lunch.

Case Two:  Church.  Sunday morning.  Shawn and I are keeping the two-old class during church.  Thing One hits J...again.  Shawn sticks Thing One in the corner for time out, makes him     apologize and hug J, then lets him go play.

Case Three:  Trip the Wonder Cat is lounging in a basket of clean, warm laundry.  Thing One smacks him and says, "Get down, cat!"  I tell him not to hit the cat.  He replies, "No hit cat.  It's
not nice."  We visit time out again.

Case Four:  Wednesday night.  Church.  In front of God, the preacher, and everyone.  Thing One stands up in his high chair, after polishing off most of my dinner, and shouts, "No!" when I ask him to sit down.  I delegate Thing Two, who is smack dab in the middle of his rice cereal and applesauce, to my friend R, and take Thing One to the nearest corner.

He decides his legs are made of Jell-O and won't stand.  I threaten a spanking.  Legs continue to melt into the floor.  I HAVE to back up my threat, so I take him to the ladies room, make sure no one is in there, bend him over my knee, and give him a quick spanking.

His legs no longer melt into the floor, and his nose goes into the corner.  The toe of his shoe attempts to carve a small hole in the floor, but he STAYS.

After his time is up, he goes to the high chair and proceeds to act like a gentleman.  His AWANA Puggles teacher said he was very well behaved during class. 

 I pull about 20 strands of my hair out as I realize, yep, it's just me. 

I can only hope that, when Thing One is in a corner in public, people walk by and think, "Good for her!" and not "Hmmm....maybe I should report her..."

Making Music!

This week, our Bible verse is "I will sing and make music to the Lord" (Psalm 27:6).

Thing One can repeat it as I say it.  Of course, he says it around the paci we can't seem to permanently lose.

We played the piano on Monday. Thing One really liked for me to play the accompianament to "Heart and Soul" while he smashed his fingers into the upper keys.  Every time I would start to play "Jesus Loves Me," he would hake his head vehemently, say, "No," and move my hands back to the lower keys.  I can't decide if this is really cute or really annoying. 

On Tuesday, we made rice tambourines out of paper plates.  We put a scoop of rice between two paper plates and stapled them together.  He had more fun putting stickers on and painting it than playing with it, to be honest. 

Today was by far the biggest hit:  tupperware drums!!

 
Thing Two spent his time chewing on a "drumstick." 

We sang Thing One's current favorite song while we drummed, "Amazing Grace."  He says, "More Yace," which is how he says "grace."  This, I've decided, is cute. 

We also watched this video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcXUMVt21X8.  We LOVE Casting Crowns!!

Tomorrow, bring on the guitar!!

Mail Order Hugs!

Today, Thing One and I, after playing outside until we were gross and sweaty, came in to cool off and work on a project:  mail order hugs.

I saw this on someone's blog back when I was pregnant with Thing Two and unable to sleep...lots of time was spent on the computer...

We have two friends of the family and a grandma who are sick, so we are sending them hugs in the mail.

Here's what we did:

1.  We traced Thing One's hands.  He LOVED doing this!  He kept saying, "It tickles, Mama!" and giggling.  Then we cut them out.  He made them clap and laughed hysterically.

 

 

2.  I tried to get Thing One to color the handprints, but we came REALLY close to a meltdown, so we compromised and used stickers to decorate them.

 

 

 

 

3.  Once that crisis was averted, we entered into the next mine field...GLUE.  I (grudgingly) let Thing One help me with putting a thin strip of glue on the backs of the hands.  Then we attached a ribbon we cut that's about the length of his wingspan.





 

 

4.  Wah lah!  A hug!  Next we made some Get Well Soon cards, included a personal message from the four of us, said a prayer over the hands that God would bless those who received them, and stuffed them all in envelopes.  Now when they open the letters, they will have a Thing One-sized hug!

 



Thing One and I walked down to the mailbox where he insisted on opening the door, putting the letters in, and lifting the flag himself.  Then he RAN back up to the house and relayed the story to his NaNa, who, of course, thought it was the best thing in the world.!

Seeking the Wisdom of the Ages

This is Thing One standing in the corner for hitting.  He HATES standing in the corner.  I think he feels like he's missing out on something, and that hurts him worse than getting a spanking.  :)

When Shawn and I got pregnant with our first child, we started seeking God's wisdom in parenting.  He has blessed us with so many wonderful mentors, classes, and books! 

The first thing we did was go to the Focus on the Family Parenting Seminar.

 

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/articles/parenting_ministry.aspx

We learned a lot from that, but mostly it prompted us to talk about how we wanted to raise our kids.  From the very get go, we knew we were called to be set apart; we just didn't really know what that looked like.

When I got pregnant with Thing Two, an amazing opportunity came to us; an extremely strong Christian couple in our church who have successfully parented 6 amazing kids offered an 18 week DVD seminar called Growing Kids God's Way.  http://www.growingkids.org/gfi-core-curriculum/growing-kids-gods-way/

Knowing what we believed and how we were going to parent certain situations before our kids were old enough to really be punished was crucial for us.  We are on the same page.  We are on the same team.  It's awesome!

So we are learning from those who have gone before us and trying to stay on the right path.

The Bible says it this way, "'Stand by the roads, and look and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls."  Jeremiah 6:16

We are dependent on others.  We are learning from them, from their mistakes and their successes.  We don't have to do it all on our own, like so many people think.  The way has already been carved out for us!